Mood: Contemplative
I'm going to start by giving yesterday an overall rating of excellent, despite what could have dropped the day to rock bottom.
But let's start over. While talking with Lisa yesterday we got on the topics of life changes and beliefs, since both of us have been going through some major changes lately. (Sorry if I've been particularly unbearable at times to anyone. Most of it felt beyond my control and for someone who needs to be in control of most things that's really hard to deal with. I sincerely apologize.) I was raised in predominately Christian homes, Lutheran mostly, and though I fell out of practice both of my parents(and their families) are still quite active in their church-going and involvement. I personally didn't care for it.
I like the ritualism of church. The order of things, I still to this day can recite The Lord's Prayer and most of the commonly practiced responses by heart. The feeling of awe I get when walking into a cathedral has to do with more than just the architecture. But I find that, in general, I greatly dislike the Christian belief system and after being confirmed I dropped it. That was way back in the day, and since then I've dabbled in adopting different beliefs. The one that I've always come back to is Wicca, though I'd prefer to just use the term Paganism. Wicca makes me think of baskets (no disrespect). I was really interested in high school, bought books, studied the magickal properties of herbs and stones, collected bits of things to keep in my box since I didn't feel comfortable setting up an alter lest my family question it (they were not so open-minded and understanding as they are today).
But people were judgmental and at such a pivotal point in life I didn't like being judged. I hid it. I stopped practicing, kept my boxes under my bed and only pulled out my tarot cards and books when I knew I was alone. That just made me feel like a sham, like I couldn't call myself a practitioner because I wasn't. So I fell out of that too.
It wasn't so bad for awhile. Life took over and I didn't really think about it. I'd pull out my boxes every so often to smell my herbs and read a tarot spread but mostly they sat untouched under my bed (even through moves) for years.
Now is different.
Now, I've spent the last 8 months reevaluating my life and the decisions I've made. Things are missing. Lots of things and I've tried to fill them with the wrong pieces. It was really bad there for awhile (ask any of my close friends) but I'm starting to figure myself out and maybe it's time to open my boxes again. I do miss them.
My belief is in nature. A closeness with the elements fueled by a higher power and life force running through everything. I need to find my center and maybe this is one thing that I need to do it.
Last night we had a bonfire party and I used the opportunity to burn some baggage that I'd been holding on to for too long. It felt good to stand there amongst friends and let things go as I watched journal pages curl up and ripple beautifully with fire. I feel relieved and rejuvenated. I'll figure this out eventually.
-A.
